like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
