shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
