i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
