The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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