Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
