I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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