Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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