he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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