I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
