Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
