Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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