He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Randomize
