I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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