Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
