If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
