this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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