my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
