I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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