I love black thongs
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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