I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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