I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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