well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
