College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
