Non-Jews are for practice
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
