Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
