i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
