I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
