Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize