??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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