I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
