There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
