what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
