mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
