cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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