Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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