I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
