We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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