My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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