Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
