I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
