it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
