I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
