Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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