this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a search helicopter?!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
