Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
