I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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