one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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