YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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