Midget sex pt 2 tonight
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
