it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
