Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
