My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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