At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
