I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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