All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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