i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize