just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
