I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
