Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
