I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize