no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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