I wish I only lived at night.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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